Even the Stars Are Sleeping
by Rachel Wilder
Summary: A follow up to episode 5x17 (A Ghost in This House), Deacon deals with his on-going pain over losing Rayna.


_**Just a quick one shot to follow up this week's episode. The title comes from a beautiful song by Dan Wilson.**_

* * *

Deacon stumbled down the steps at the Mercy Lounge, overwhelmed by the need to get away from Jessie's haunting voice, the song about heartbreak, loss and not being able to let go. It was all too much, too raw.

He nodded at the guy at the door he'd just walked past a minute or two earlier and headed to the parking lot. He leaned against his truck, trying to catch his breath.

The waves of grief didn't come as often as they had in those first few days, but then intensity was the same. And every single time it caught him off guard.

* * *

Deacon pulled up in front of his house in East Nashville. He had started driving back to Belle Meade, but wasn't ready to face the empty house. The girls had made plans to be gone for the night and if he went back now, it would just be hours of Rayna's empty house. Without Rayna.

He could handle it most days, with the girls there, and in some ways, liked that he still felt her presence, but the nights, alone in their bed, were hard. Harder than the nights those years they were apart. Harder than the nights after she told him about Maddie. Harder than the nights after she said she was marrying Luke.

Because now, finally, she was gone. And she was never coming back.

He put the truck in park and looked up at the house. Rayna had asked him once if he planned to sell it. He told her no, but couldn't ever really explain it. He thought she understood-that he needed something that was still his, a place to retreat. And now it seemed like it was the place Scarlett was retreating as well.

He could see her through the window. Sitting on the couch. He started to unlatch his seatbelt, then stopped.

He knew that Scarlett would understand, would be of comfort to him, but as much as he had not wanted to be alone in Rayna's house, he also didn't think he was ready for comfort in his.

The pain was constricting his chest, his throat, making everything hurt. He pressed his hand up to his forehead, willing the pressure to go away.

But it didn't.

He put the truck back into drive and headed down the street.

* * *

He found himself crossing the Cumberland River for the fifth or sixth time when he realized he should probably just head toward home. He exited at Hillsboro Pike and found himself driving past the Bluebird.

It had felt good to play some music there the week before. Bucky had been right, Rayna would have hated for him to give up his music. She'd told him that again and again...when he hadn't been able to stop drinking, when she'd married Teddy and he thought she was lost to him forever...when he'd smashed up his hand and wasn't sure he'd ever play guitar again.

She had always believed in him, even when he didn't believe in himself.

He caught the sob in his throat. He'd been holding on to them, only letting go when he was sure the girls wouldn't see, trying to be there for them, keep things as normal as possible, even to laugh and smile once in awhile.

But the tears were always there, just underneath. Threatening.

He made a right and headed toward Belle Meade. Had her house started to feel like home before? After the wedding? He wasn't sure.

Rayna had asked him if he wanted to move. And he did, but he also knew that it was the only home Daphne had ever known and the only one Maddie remembered. Maybe if Teddy hadn't gone to jail they could sold it to him...maybe when he got out…

Deacon sighed thinking about Teddy. He felt more like Daphne's dad every day, but the reality was that Teddy was her father and in a month everything was going to change.

He tried to think about it, about what they would do, how he would manage without Daphne and Maddie, how he would share them with Teddy, but he couldn't. It was too much to face, too soon to think about another loss.

His thoughts tumbled around him as he pulled into the driveway. He slid the gear into park and dropped his head on the steering wheel. He sat there for a moment until he heard a car pull up beside him. He turned his head to see Maddie get out of the driver's seat and lock her car.

He sat up, wiping the stray tear that lingered at the corner of his eye. He opened the door of the truck and got out, reaching back in for his shoulder bag.

"You have a good night, Dad?" Maddie asked as she walked up.

He turned to her, slid the smile he'd been wearing for the past 12 weeks and nodded.

"I did, honey. How about you?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Maddie replied.

He followed her into the house, pausing at the kitchen counter to see if Maddie wanted to talk or was ready to head up to her room. He tried to give the girls space when they asked for it, to be there when they needed him.

But tonight it seemed like she needed her space. She gave him a hug, a sad smile that made him realize how much Clay's sudden departure was weighing on her and once again affirmed how relieved he was that she had mended fences with Daphne.

He poured himself a glass of water and sat down on the couch, mindlessly turning on the TV and surfing the channels until he found a rerun of _Last Man Standing_. He leaned his head back against the couch, remembering the sound of Jessie's voice as he'd come up the steps. She had said her new stuff was raw and she was right.

He'd started playing a little bit again, but he hadn't written anything since those last songs with Rayna. They'd been raw, too, but in a way that felt very different than what might come out of him now. He'd written about Rayna his whole career. About loving her, making love to her, losing her, hurting her, dreaming of her...without her he wasn't sure he had any more words.

The tears came again, this time more freely as he had no one to hide them from. He choked out a sob, then another. His heart felt like it was breaking all over again.

He was never going to get past this. Never.

"Dad?"

He looked up. Maddie was standing at the bottom of the steps. He raised his hand up, brushing the tears away from his face.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, honey, just...just feeling sad tonight," Deacon replied. "Everything okay?"

Maddie came over and sat down next to him on the couch. "Is it ever going to get any better?" she asked.

Deacon shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, honey. I...I never lost someone like this. Right now, I'm just trying to make it through every day, love you girls and make her proud of us."

Maddie leaned into him, and he put his arm around her. "Having you girls here, it helps me," he said as he leaned his head down on hers.

"I miss her," Maddie replied.

"Me too, sweetie," Deacon responded. "But we're gonna be okay."

He gave Maddie a kiss and she headed back up to her room. He turned the television, which had gone from the sitcom to an infomercial, off and stood up. He let out a deep sigh and headed down the hallway.

The music room, the heart of the house during their marriage, had felt impossible at first, until they had finished recording Rayna's album. Then, for some reason, it had changed. He felt her spirit there, most intensely and on most days found that it helped to be there. He opened the door, walked in and took a deep breath.

It even still smelled of Rayna.

He looked at the pictures on the walls, the gold and platinum records, the awards...she had done so much in what ended up being a too short career.

He sat down and picked up his guitar, tracing his fingers over the strings.

Someday, he would be ready and yes, it was possible there would be someone in his life again. But she would be there with Rayna. Forever in his heart.

FIN


End file.
